Thoughts

Don't know what to say. My heart is still broken. It's been 12 days since my miscarriage. "Miscarriage" that's such a harsh word. Of course, the whole experience is harsh. If I would paint, the photo would be very red and black.

The question I hate the most right now is "How are you?" What do you say to that? Sometimes I don't know if the person who is asking knows what happened, or if they are just trying to be kind, or just maybe polite? I just want to yell as loud as you can "I JUST LOST MY BABY! HOW DO YOU THINK I AM??!?!"

Yet, the greatest thing is through the enormity of it all, the mind numbing swirl of facts and feelings; there is such a place of serenity and calmness right there in the very middle. God is good. Either you believe that or you don't. He is not good "some of the time", or "when it's convenient". He's either good or He is not. End of discussion. I believe He is good, and I believe He gives good things to His children. For some odd and very unexplainable reason this event was good.

However, the process is without a doubt the most physically painful and emotionally wracking experience I have ever lived through. It hurt worse then having a baby without pain medication at full term. It still hurts, I'm so very very sore.

But I have hope. When I cry there is still calmness in my heart. (And cry I do... lots and lots. I am just now starting to wear contacts again as before my eyes hurt too much)

"In every way we're troubled but not crushed, frustrated but not in despair... We know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus will also raise us with Jesus and present us to God together with you... That's why we are not discouraged. No, ...This light, temporary nature of our suffering is producing for us an everlasting, weight of glory, far beyond any comparison, Because we do not look for things that can be seen but for things that cannot be seen. For things that can be seen are temporary, but things that cannot be seen are eternal."

This is terribly morbid, but I wish someone would have told me to be prepared with supplies when I got pregnant. I had nothing on hand. After all, you would use the stuff after the baby is born. It's all so terrifying, quick, and painful.

I have named her "Amara". It's Greek for "unfading, eternal".

Some things I have learned through this:

1. Never, ever, ever, ever ask "How are you?" Unless maybe you are set down face to face with the person, 5 hours of time, and a box of Tissues.
2. Always call. My closest and dearest friends were on the phone that day. Most said not a word, they just sat on the phone and cried with me. A few just called to say they cared and then hung up. That's it. There are no words necessary, just "I love you, and I am here" is more then enough to say. If the hurting do not want to talk, they can always not answer. Even the caller ID showing the phone number is saying volumes.
3. Food is the language of the soul. I never knew why we have the tradition of sending meals, doing laundry, etc. when someone looses a loved one. I always thought, "well, they're not sick? why can't they cook?" For one thing, when your heart hurts the last thing you want to do is cook, clean, or do the laundry. However, little ones and your body still need to eat. WOW! Someone bringing supper made us feel so loved and protected like I could not have imagined.
4. Flowers, cards, notes... after a miscarriage that is a pro-life statement. If a child had lived and then died of course I would send something. After a miscarriage the simple act of sending flowers or a card is saying "I believe in life at conception. This was a life, and you have lost"
5. I love email, but there is something about a physical card in the mail that I never knew before. It's something to hold and put in a momento box at the end of the day. (or month, or year) It's a physical piece to pull out and weep over when you need a time to cry.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your notes, flowers, cards, phone calls, e-mails, prayers. It meant so much.

This is the day the Lord has made...

You never know when you wake up what a day will hold. I have been pregnant for 9 weeks. On Thursday we had an ultrasound and saw the baby and her (I say "her" because that is what I felt it was) heartbeat. On Friday morning at 2am I woke up, started having pains, and 15 minutes later she was gone.

Noone tells you what to expect in a miscarriage. I had no idea it would be so physically painful. Maybe it's because your heart is hurting so badly at the same time. I also had no idea how MUCH blood is involved. You don't want to tell a pregnant woman to keep supplies on hand "just in case"...

We went to the hospital because I was bleeding so much. The doctor just kept saying "I'm so sorry". Thank you God for him.

Such a roller coaster of emotions. First of all your body hurts, it's just like having a baby except there is no baby there. Your heart hurts. Your hormones just go absolutely nuts. The worst part is that your spirit hurts.

All through this we had to explain to Elyana that our baby went to "Heaven". At first she was really upset. Then tonight she asked me how many sleeps until we get to go and play with her. She is pretty sure that God is going to give us another baby girl HERE. Then we would have two babies. One in Heaven, and one here. Oh I hope so...

And poor Gavin has no clue what is going on. He wants lots of "mommy" time, and mommy right now is so tired.

I know God is good. I know that many times you loose a child in pregnancy for a reason. There is no way that I would wish life here on a child that would just suffer. I would never wish life here on earth either for a child who would choose later to not follow God. God's ways are always best, and He is ALWAYS good. It's just so hard because now I wonder if I would loose the next one. I wonder what else He is going to take away. It's a very vulnerable spot to be in.

I am so thankful for Dave. I cannot thank him enough. He is taking care of me, taking care of the children, letting me cry, letting me talk, sharing my grief, crying with me. So many friends have written notes, and some have called. Bless those who have called. I never knew before what to do when someone lost a baby or otherwise grieved. You don't have to DO anything or SAY anything.

My cousin called today. The conversation lasted 2 minutes, however it impacted me for life. He's a pastor and could have said many "words". However he called just to say they love us and are sorry. That's it. That's so enough.

A family I didn't even know heard about it and stopped in with a meal. Dave's family is bringing food and helping so much. Today his parents came and just sat on the couch and played with the children.

That's the meaning of love. Just to be with someone who hurts. Take care of their physical needs and just "be".

We've Moved, We've Settled, We're Home...

Finally the boxes are all unpacked and it is starting to feel like home. I'm so thankful that we get to live here. It's not huge, but yet not tiny. For Elyana's birthday we had 9 people here and we ALL got to sit at the table and not feel crowded!

Speaking of that, she is now four years old. Where does time go? And she's getting all these cute little tiny toys for gifts. I have to resist the impulse to say "You're going to loose that" or "don't put that in your mouth" because she won't. She's the most organized little grown up thing.

Tomorrow we go to a new church. Sigh. I hate starting new churches, but it is too far to go to our old one. Dave and I have compromised and we will go every-other Sunday. The inbetween Sundays we'll probably go up to Junction and hang out with his family. The fun part is his brother and his wife are going to do the same thing.

Monday Elyana starts Gymnastics. :)

Now that the dust has settled it's hitting me a little that I live in a town where I know just a few relatives and that's it. A little lonely...

HOWEVER there is a Target and an Applebees here...

BTW... My new business is online and I'm scared stiff that nothing will sell. The verse keeps going through my head something about we plant, but GOD makes the increase. I'm trying hard not to be nervous, and just have faith. For Bible Story in the evening with the kids we are currently reading through how Israel doubted God every other minute, and I don't want to be like that.

If you know anyone who is pregnant or just had a baby: www.mommaluv.com

Moving Saturday...

Very sorry for the lack of communication, but things have been way too fast and furious. Should slow down soon. We are done working on the house (for now), and move Saturday. Our phone number will stay the same though.

Elyana's room is now pink on the top 2/3 and purple on the bottom. Soon we will get a chair rail put up. I ordered 6 butterflies of various sizes and colors to hang from the ceiling in one corner above her bed. :)

Our room is off white with one wall a dark dark burgandy. Our bathroom, living room, and hallway are off white as well. The kitchen and dining room are a very sunshiny pale yellow. Gavin's room I just washed down the walls, and it is staying white for now.

Today I mopped the hard wood floors and tile in the kitchen by hand. I changed my water three times!! Granted it's a very large area, but STILL! I don't believe the people that lived there cleaned very well. (They were old and sickly) We moved the fridge and stove out to paint behind them, and the floors underneath... PLEASE everyone do this earth a favor and clean behind your fridge and stove at least once every 5 years. gag.

Anyway, our house is now sparkly clean and freshly painted. :) We're very excited. Next Sunday we celebrate Elyana's 4th birthday and Dave's mom's birthday too. Elyana's birthday was the 1st, but we waited so we could celebrate in our new house! She has already gotten her boxes from Grandpa's and Uncle Jalon's. Very thrilled she was. She also got some money and bought some Calico Critter's (the mousy family and their bedroom set) with it. She wants to save her allowance to buy the house too. Yikes! That's a lot of saving.