WARNING: This post is not dotted with my humor, as it is deep as that is how I feel today.
I have many incredibly wonderful and wise friends. One of such went for a walk/run with me this morning and listened to my ramblings and felt my tears. Then she said:
Anger is a response to a blocked goal.
Frustration is a response to a delayed goal.
Depression is a response to an unattainable goal.
Which got me thinking about why I was feeling depressed, and how my theology sometimes doesn't merge with reality. After all my life's motto is: "Love God, Love People... that's it." Meanwhile on the other side of the day I am throwing a hissy fit about not getting my way.
For example. 5:27am Anger with a child who declared it was morning in a very happy and cheerful voice! Hmm.. was that loving people? Or was it anger with the fact that my goal was to sleep until 6:30 and that was being BLOCKED! (in a very cheerful way again I may add which met with no cheerfulness from Mommy).
Maybe it's time to re-evaluate my goals. Use them, or maybe just LOOSE them. That's "ouchie" though. After all, again for example I do like a very clean house. Aren't we called to be stewards of our possessions? However, maybe I don't have to deep clean every Friday. Thus comes the borrowing (again from this same wise woman) a rotating schedule of doing just a bit every day so that by the end of the week it all gets done but in manageable chunks of time.
Another "goal" that has been in my head of fitting into my size 8 jeans. Well, is that realistic and worth being so FRUSTRATED?! Maybe the truth of the matter is God has called me to take care of my body by exercising and eating right. There is no "size" in His WORD, now is there ladies?! Maybe I won't run a 10k in June, but maybe I will try to go running 3 times a week. "Compare not yourselves, among yourselves".
Again I have a goal of answering 2,000 tax questions this year besides my normal job of 20 hours a week bookkeeping and full time job of being mommy, and decorating the church for the women's ministry once a month, and and and. Well, um.. huh. Again, met with frustration yesterday by the same cheerful voice pulling at my hand to come "get choo choo". Ok, my motive was fabulous: pay off the credit card by April plus save some for this goal and that goal that doesn't really have to be done this year. Method was not so fabulous. Can't see the forest for the trees. Slow down here honey, some things take time.
Oh, but that brings us down to the big, big, heart deep goal cause for this morning's "pit of despair" tears that I am feeling right now. Yes, I am totally like Anne of Green Gables, and yes I do borrow her words quite often. I just don't think my heart can bear to re-evaluate a certain goal, dream, life "picture" if you will. There's so much philosophy, theology, karma talk been going in out and to my head lately. "Just "pray about it". God will give you the desires of your heart!" "You know God so well, I'm sure God will give you this." yes, no, maybe. Sometimes I think He tells us to shut-up and keep moving. What you know in the light, don't doubt in the dark. No whining. Ugh.
Sometimes there just isn't an answer except do what you know to do, and just let go of the rest. Today the goal is unattainable. I have a choice: be depressed or change the goal. Today..just for today... I will change my goal and go back to the "Love God, Love People... that's it." I will re-adjust my bedtime and my alarm schedule. I'll only download questions to answer when I have 30 minutes while the children are outside and then put on hold getting a babysitter for next week and find other ways to save. I will go running today and then come home and put away the "skinny jeans". I will change my goal of not eating sugar for 6 months, and just not... today... eat the cheesecake that is in the fridge.
As that, today is something I can do.
