You never know when you wake up what a day will hold. I have been pregnant for 9 weeks. On Thursday we had an ultrasound and saw the baby and her (I say "her" because that is what I felt it was) heartbeat. On Friday morning at 2am I woke up, started having pains, and 15 minutes later she was gone.
Noone tells you what to expect in a miscarriage. I had no idea it would be so physically painful. Maybe it's because your heart is hurting so badly at the same time. I also had no idea how MUCH blood is involved. You don't want to tell a pregnant woman to keep supplies on hand "just in case"...
We went to the hospital because I was bleeding so much. The doctor just kept saying "I'm so sorry". Thank you God for him.
Such a roller coaster of emotions. First of all your body hurts, it's just like having a baby except there is no baby there. Your heart hurts. Your hormones just go absolutely nuts. The worst part is that your spirit hurts.
All through this we had to explain to Elyana that our baby went to "Heaven". At first she was really upset. Then tonight she asked me how many sleeps until we get to go and play with her. She is pretty sure that God is going to give us another baby girl HERE. Then we would have two babies. One in Heaven, and one here. Oh I hope so...
And poor Gavin has no clue what is going on. He wants lots of "mommy" time, and mommy right now is so tired.
I know God is good. I know that many times you loose a child in pregnancy for a reason. There is no way that I would wish life here on a child that would just suffer. I would never wish life here on earth either for a child who would choose later to not follow God. God's ways are always best, and He is ALWAYS good. It's just so hard because now I wonder if I would loose the next one. I wonder what else He is going to take away. It's a very vulnerable spot to be in.
I am so thankful for Dave. I cannot thank him enough. He is taking care of me, taking care of the children, letting me cry, letting me talk, sharing my grief, crying with me. So many friends have written notes, and some have called. Bless those who have called. I never knew before what to do when someone lost a baby or otherwise grieved. You don't have to DO anything or SAY anything.
My cousin called today. The conversation lasted 2 minutes, however it impacted me for life. He's a pastor and could have said many "words". However he called just to say they love us and are sorry. That's it. That's so enough.
A family I didn't even know heard about it and stopped in with a meal. Dave's family is bringing food and helping so much. Today his parents came and just sat on the couch and played with the children.
That's the meaning of love. Just to be with someone who hurts. Take care of their physical needs and just "be".
