This is the day the Lord has made...

You never know when you wake up what a day will hold. I have been pregnant for 9 weeks. On Thursday we had an ultrasound and saw the baby and her (I say "her" because that is what I felt it was) heartbeat. On Friday morning at 2am I woke up, started having pains, and 15 minutes later she was gone.

Noone tells you what to expect in a miscarriage. I had no idea it would be so physically painful. Maybe it's because your heart is hurting so badly at the same time. I also had no idea how MUCH blood is involved. You don't want to tell a pregnant woman to keep supplies on hand "just in case"...

We went to the hospital because I was bleeding so much. The doctor just kept saying "I'm so sorry". Thank you God for him.

Such a roller coaster of emotions. First of all your body hurts, it's just like having a baby except there is no baby there. Your heart hurts. Your hormones just go absolutely nuts. The worst part is that your spirit hurts.

All through this we had to explain to Elyana that our baby went to "Heaven". At first she was really upset. Then tonight she asked me how many sleeps until we get to go and play with her. She is pretty sure that God is going to give us another baby girl HERE. Then we would have two babies. One in Heaven, and one here. Oh I hope so...

And poor Gavin has no clue what is going on. He wants lots of "mommy" time, and mommy right now is so tired.

I know God is good. I know that many times you loose a child in pregnancy for a reason. There is no way that I would wish life here on a child that would just suffer. I would never wish life here on earth either for a child who would choose later to not follow God. God's ways are always best, and He is ALWAYS good. It's just so hard because now I wonder if I would loose the next one. I wonder what else He is going to take away. It's a very vulnerable spot to be in.

I am so thankful for Dave. I cannot thank him enough. He is taking care of me, taking care of the children, letting me cry, letting me talk, sharing my grief, crying with me. So many friends have written notes, and some have called. Bless those who have called. I never knew before what to do when someone lost a baby or otherwise grieved. You don't have to DO anything or SAY anything.

My cousin called today. The conversation lasted 2 minutes, however it impacted me for life. He's a pastor and could have said many "words". However he called just to say they love us and are sorry. That's it. That's so enough.

A family I didn't even know heard about it and stopped in with a meal. Dave's family is bringing food and helping so much. Today his parents came and just sat on the couch and played with the children.

That's the meaning of love. Just to be with someone who hurts. Take care of their physical needs and just "be".

We've Moved, We've Settled, We're Home...

Finally the boxes are all unpacked and it is starting to feel like home. I'm so thankful that we get to live here. It's not huge, but yet not tiny. For Elyana's birthday we had 9 people here and we ALL got to sit at the table and not feel crowded!

Speaking of that, she is now four years old. Where does time go? And she's getting all these cute little tiny toys for gifts. I have to resist the impulse to say "You're going to loose that" or "don't put that in your mouth" because she won't. She's the most organized little grown up thing.

Tomorrow we go to a new church. Sigh. I hate starting new churches, but it is too far to go to our old one. Dave and I have compromised and we will go every-other Sunday. The inbetween Sundays we'll probably go up to Junction and hang out with his family. The fun part is his brother and his wife are going to do the same thing.

Monday Elyana starts Gymnastics. :)

Now that the dust has settled it's hitting me a little that I live in a town where I know just a few relatives and that's it. A little lonely...

HOWEVER there is a Target and an Applebees here...

BTW... My new business is online and I'm scared stiff that nothing will sell. The verse keeps going through my head something about we plant, but GOD makes the increase. I'm trying hard not to be nervous, and just have faith. For Bible Story in the evening with the kids we are currently reading through how Israel doubted God every other minute, and I don't want to be like that.

If you know anyone who is pregnant or just had a baby: www.mommaluv.com

Moving Saturday...

Very sorry for the lack of communication, but things have been way too fast and furious. Should slow down soon. We are done working on the house (for now), and move Saturday. Our phone number will stay the same though.

Elyana's room is now pink on the top 2/3 and purple on the bottom. Soon we will get a chair rail put up. I ordered 6 butterflies of various sizes and colors to hang from the ceiling in one corner above her bed. :)

Our room is off white with one wall a dark dark burgandy. Our bathroom, living room, and hallway are off white as well. The kitchen and dining room are a very sunshiny pale yellow. Gavin's room I just washed down the walls, and it is staying white for now.

Today I mopped the hard wood floors and tile in the kitchen by hand. I changed my water three times!! Granted it's a very large area, but STILL! I don't believe the people that lived there cleaned very well. (They were old and sickly) We moved the fridge and stove out to paint behind them, and the floors underneath... PLEASE everyone do this earth a favor and clean behind your fridge and stove at least once every 5 years. gag.

Anyway, our house is now sparkly clean and freshly painted. :) We're very excited. Next Sunday we celebrate Elyana's 4th birthday and Dave's mom's birthday too. Elyana's birthday was the 1st, but we waited so we could celebrate in our new house! She has already gotten her boxes from Grandpa's and Uncle Jalon's. Very thrilled she was. She also got some money and bought some Calico Critter's (the mousy family and their bedroom set) with it. She wants to save her allowance to buy the house too. Yikes! That's a lot of saving.

Business going, bought a house, I'm tired...

Sometimes I think I bite off more then I can chew. Then I'm so very driven that I can't stop until my stuff is done which results in crashing and burning like last night. Whew! HOWEVER! In the last month:

• We sold our house
• Bought a new house (Montrose here we come)
• Started a business (www.mommaluv.com)
• Babysat for my friend 1-2 days a week (I'm pretty sure that I don't want 4 children)
• Broke the "p" key on my keyboard which makes it very hard to type
• Went to a DTS reunion in Trinidad (that place never changes)
• And this last week dealt with a very sick child (it turned out to be Roseolla which isn't serious and she is now pretty much better except covered with a rash)

Plus tried to keep up with the normal household duties, my very very crazy son, and being Hospitality co-ordinator for my MOPS group.

I'm tired...

Yay though that we found a house! I'm so excited as it has a huge back yard, a very nice kitchen, 10 foot ceilings, and space to actually have a dining room table that seats 8+. :) I'm trying to talk my family into coming to see me now.

And if anyone has extra cash I have a friend who is trying to adopt a baby. Who knew that having love in your hearts for the unwanted could be so expensive???

Check out my new business website. I'm pretty thrilled to have it going. www.mommaluv.com