Leeta's Reflections...

GOALS: Use them or loose them?

2012-01-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This post is not dotted with my humor, as it is deep as that is how I feel today.

I have many incredibly wonderful and wise friends. One of such went for a walk/run with me this morning and listened to my ramblings and felt my tears. Then she said:

Anger is a response to a blocked goal.
Frustration is a response to a delayed goal.
Depression is a response to an unattainable goal.

Which got me thinking about why I was feeling depressed, and how my theology sometimes doesn't merge with reality. After all my life's motto is: "Love God, Love People... that's it." Meanwhile on the other side of the day I am throwing a hissy fit about not getting my way.

For example. 5:27am Anger with a child who declared it was morning in a very happy and cheerful voice! Hmm.. was that loving people? Or was it anger with the fact that my goal was to sleep until 6:30 and that was being BLOCKED! (in a very cheerful way again I may add which met with no cheerfulness from Mommy).

Maybe it's time to re-evaluate my goals. Use them, or maybe just LOOSE them. That's "ouchie" though. After all, again for example I do like a very clean house. Aren't we called to be stewards of our possessions? However, maybe I don't have to deep clean every Friday. Thus comes the borrowing (again from this same wise woman) a rotating schedule of doing just a bit every day so that by the end of the week it all gets done but in manageable chunks of time.

Another "goal" that has been in my head of fitting into my size 8 jeans. Well, is that realistic and worth being so FRUSTRATED?! Maybe the truth of the matter is God has called me to take care of my body by exercising and eating right. There is no "size" in His WORD, now is there ladies?! Maybe I won't run a 10k in June, but maybe I will try to go running 3 times a week. "Compare not yourselves, among yourselves".

Again I have a goal of answering 2,000 tax questions this year besides my normal job of 20 hours a week bookkeeping and full time job of being mommy, and decorating the church for the women's ministry once a month, and and and. Well, um.. huh. Again, met with frustration yesterday by the same cheerful voice pulling at my hand to come "get choo choo". Ok, my motive was fabulous: pay off the credit card by April plus save some for this goal and that goal that doesn't really have to be done this year. Method was not so fabulous. Can't see the forest for the trees. Slow down here honey, some things take time.

Oh, but that brings us down to the big, big, heart deep goal cause for this morning's "pit of despair" tears that I am feeling right now. Yes, I am totally like Anne of Green Gables, and yes I do borrow her words quite often. I just don't think my heart can bear to re-evaluate a certain goal, dream, life "picture" if you will. There's so much philosophy, theology, karma talk been going in out and to my head lately. "Just "pray about it". God will give you the desires of your heart!" "You know God so well, I'm sure God will give you this." yes, no, maybe. Sometimes I think He tells us to shut-up and keep moving. What you know in the light, don't doubt in the dark. No whining. Ugh.

Sometimes there just isn't an answer except do what you know to do, and just let go of the rest. Today the goal is unattainable. I have a choice: be depressed or change the goal. Today..just for today... I will change my goal and go back to the "Love God, Love People... that's it." I will re-adjust my bedtime and my alarm schedule. I'll only download questions to answer when I have 30 minutes while the children are outside and then put on hold getting a babysitter for next week and find other ways to save. I will go running today and then come home and put away the "skinny jeans". I will change my goal of not eating sugar for 6 months, and just not... today... eat the cheesecake that is in the fridge.

As that, today is something I can do.

Banana Bread versus Sugar

2011-11-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that I have just completed a 40 day "sugar fast"? Basically just abstaining from sweets, deserts, candy, and treats for other reasons. It was a fabulous experience after the first week or two of "withdrawal"... however much to my dismay after ending the fast and realizing how fabulous I felt the discovery has been made that me and sugar are NOT friends. Makes me angry: a blood boiling kind of angry. Or sad: a weepy, emotional "absolutely no reason" kind of sad. Very terrible.

After going through a process of mourning and experimentation I am coming to a bit of grips with this fact of life.

Now don't get me wrong, I am still having my occasional "one pump mocha, one pump peppermint, non-fat, no whip", and I do still steal the tiny butterfingers bites out of my kid's Halloween baskets; however my baking and desert eating is taking a drastic change. Since a few of you out there share my pain, when I stumble upon a fabulous recipe or trick I have decided to pass it on, and I would appreciate the return favor for any recipes and tips you may have. For you: Hillary, Heather, and the rest is a recipe for a fabulous banana bread that I've tricked out: Enjoy!

Oatmeal Banana Bread
1/2 cup unsalted butter
1/2 cup honey
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
3/4 cup white flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup regular oatmeal
3/4 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. cinnamon
3 large bananas

Mix together the first two ingredients, gradually adding the rest - two ingredients at a time. Beat until well mixed. Pour into greased 9x5 loaf pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour 15 minutes. Cover 15 minutes after removing from oven, and then remove from pan to cool completely. Try serving it without butter - super yummy by itself.

LOW altitude alterations (under 3,500 feet): Decrease white flour to 1/2 cup, Increase baking soda to 1 tsp. Decrease baking time to 50 minutes.

Whole Grains? Blah!

2011-10-17T13:36:00.000-06:00

We are doing a 24 day challenge which along with other things involves eating whole grains. I can count on the tip of one finger what whole grain I like: Wheat Bread. However, we are embarking on an adventure which includes trying... Brown Rice.

I hate rice: brown, white, sticks, wild, you name it.... it is yucky. BUT I found this recipe and it's actually good! AND my children ate it up in a furry!

PERFECT BROWN RICE

2 Cups Brown Rice
1 Egg
2 Cups Chicken Broth
2 Cups Water
2 Tablespoons Extra Virgin Olive Oil

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Mix together broth, water, oil, and beaten egg
3. Add rice and pour into deep large baking dish.
4. Bake at 350 for one hour. (High altitude bake at 400 for 1 1/4 hours)
5. DO NOT STIR!!!
6. DO NOT POKE!!!
7. DO NOT DISTURB!!!
8. Just look at the rice after 30 minutes and cover with a lid or foil at that time.
9. When time is up fluff with a fork and mix egg into rice (the egg will have risen to the top) and serve.

Made a batch yesterday to use for the base of a taco salad (using only salsa as dressing). This morning served leftovers with a poached egg for breakfast. Tonight I'm using the last of the leftovers for a shrimp / veggie stir fry.

I'll let you know how it's going.... Sometimes I hate being healthy but this is yummy!

Strong Willed Children

2011-10-09T08:18:00.001-06:00

I have a strong willed child, and may I say that I am thrilled.

There was a time when I saw a child throwing himself on the dirty floor of Walmart screaming that I would shake my head and think "That mother needs to take control of the situation." Now... there has been more then once that I have purposely caught the eye of the mother and told her "I have one of those at home. You are a good mom. Don't give up, he'll get it one of these days." Then we both sigh, and move on down our aisle.

Strong willed children are a totally different breed of humans. You discover that particular trait at oh... 3 days old maybe. Sometimes it's 3 months. When you think they should be full and they SCREAM at you for more and don't give up until they get it. Or when there is a medical procedure to be done and they SCREAM at the nurse for daring to poke them with a needle!

My mother gasped when my Aunt Mary prayed for a strong willed child. There are people who look at me in pity and sometimes judgement when I say that we have battled Kaiden for over 3 hours in the middle of the night to stay in his bed. It's especially difficult this week when he is turning 2 next month, teething, and growing at the same time.

However... I am thrilled! Look at the amazing things a strong willed adult can do! They don't take no for an answer, they go when the going seems impossible. It takes a strong willed farmer to plant after 2 years of crop failure, or a strong willed missionary to penetrate the Amazon. An executive must be strong willed to revive a dying company, or a surgeon to operate for 18 hours to save a life. You must be strong willed to pray for 50 years for a son who has wondered the path. Paul, Daniel, Isaiah.. they were all strong willed. Never say die, never give up.

Yes, it is the most exhausting thing I have ever done... mother this child. There are days I go to bed in tears, there are times I stare in wide eyed wonder at this little bundle of determination.

However you are my joy, Kaiden Isaac Pollard. You will laugh in the face of adversity and go marching out there with God at your side and strength in your belly.

Raise your chin dear mothers, tighten your belt. Be consistent, one day they will get it. Stephanie, Christine, Luci, Elizabeth... and all the rest of us; be glad, rejoice in their passion. We are raising a generation of movers and shakers and I can't wait to see where this road of life takes them!!

Fishing Poles

2010-08-20T21:43:00.000-06:00

My heart is so full it hurts tonight. Many thoughts....

We have this friend across the ocean who is seriously struggling to put food on the table per meal. Him and his wife eat once a day in order to save money to help the "poor".

I've been pondering this for awhile now, but keep shoving it to the back of my brain because it's so overwhelming. Tonight I walked into my crowded closet, with my crowded bookshelves, the brick a brack, the clothes that don't fit and I don't like but keep anyway... and said "Oh my God forgive me." There is nothing wrong at all with stuff. Not at all. Stuff is good, and stuff can really bless people. However what is the point of my stuff? (Mine I'm talking about not yours) If my motto really is Love God first, and love other people... There really isn't anything wrong with money or stuff, however I would like my stuff and my money to be used to bless people.

Soooo.... That means putting on another pair of glasses to see the world through.

For example, I won't stop going out for coffee with people. Because that is using $ to build relationships. However I don't think I'm going to buy new books anymore, when I can borrow the same book at the library for free. I'm crossing a few things off of my wish list. Who needs more cranberry glass? I have no place to put it anyway.

Dave and I have this vision of this fund (maybe we shall call it the fishing pole fund). Where someone with a brilliant idea can take out a "loan" to buy a resource producing tool, then pay the "loan" back into the fund for someone else's turn. Our friend for example across the ocean has a brilliant idea for a fishing pole, but has no cash to purchase it to feed his family. There are many such programs being put into place across the world, maybe it is our turn to start one in this particular spot.

Funny coincidence is in family Bible Story two nights ago we read about the woman who gave her two coins, all she had.

No, I am not taking on a vow of poverty. I'm actually asking God to make us rich. Please Lord, I would like to help a guy buy a fishing pole. And in the meantime I listed a few things for sale on Amazon....

PS: anyone want two bins full of blue Christmas decorations? I've decided to keep the red ones. (YES I have two sets of Christmas decorations!)

I'm Thankful....

2010-08-16T12:50:00.004-06:00

My heart has been so full this week, my head full of thoughts. I'm thankful for so many things, and a little peeved about a few others.

School starts next week. AHHHH I am NOT ready! Summer has been so fabulous, does it really have to end? I will miss the sound of laughing kids drifting through my kitchen window! I will even miss the "Mommy what can I do, I'm bored" during naptime when the little ones are sleeping. This year we couldn't do an official "vacation" so we made it a point to plan little fun things all summer long. Camping, "sleep overs" at Grandpa's house, picnics, museum, the park, fishing, McDonald's Play Place... I must say it has been the most glorious summer of my life.

And it all culminates this weekend with a trip to Denver to the zoo and aquarium. Bless my dear husband who dug out his preciously saved cash which he has been tucking away for the last year to buy an ipad. He is saying goodbye to his savings just so we can go see the "tigers and sharks too!"

Speaking of which, I am thankful for him. He put an island of flowers in our back yard this spring. Every once in awhile I find a bowl of flowers on my windowsill. :) Last Saturday he packed us up to go to Ouray to see Box Falls. He HATES hiking, but off he went to the bottom lugging our 22 lb. light 9 month old. Then at the bottom there was this high voice "I want to go up there too" pointing way to the top of the mountain to the bridge over the falls. So UP the 120 steps we go and on UP the mountain (still carrying Mr. Lightness) to see the top!

Cannot imagine what life would be like without my family. My throat chokes up at the thought of school starting again and the house falling a wee bit quieter for the next 9 months. What am I going to do when Kaiden goes off to kindergarten in 5 years?! I can't imagine being done with babies, though yes I know my house is full up to the brim and yes how would we afford another one, and yes I am over 35! Another one would probably have to sleep in the closet. And it's quite ridiculous to go there again when it's so very hard for me to keep my pregnancies. But the thought of being done?! WHAT??!

Course it's not all roses, but I'm thankful for that too. The times of high frustration with 3 little ones are teaching those same 3 little ones how to call out to God for HELP when the baby won't stop crying. They see their mommy's tears when she asks forgiveness for "not talking nicely to you". My beautiful 6 year old is forcing me to deal with my demons of feeling ugly and fat and depressed as I WILL NOT pass that on to the next generation. As the minister said Sunday I will face my struggles instead of rebuking them and figure out what God is trying to show me about His character today.

And now I must stop my rambling and put on my "Financial Administrator" hat. Again, I get frustrated at working for someone else 2-3 hours a day when there is laundry, fresh air calling outside, and a book to read but thank you God that I get to work from home with my baby crawling around my feet.

Tonight when we sit down to Bible Story and my children pray for Christine and Eliash who we support halfway around the world, I will again be thankful that we have a house, way too many toys of which I am at a loss how to organize the boy's bedroom, the struggle with laundry since there is more then one outfit, and so much food that I need to clean out the fridge. For I am blessed, and for that I am thankful.

Grandpa & Kaiden

2010-04-25T19:27:00.000-06:00

Quote of the day

2009-05-26T21:08:00.002-06:00

Here's my favorite quote of yesterday from Elyana: "Mom, did you know that when I talk to God HE never tells me he needs 5 minutes of quiet?!"

And from today: "Mom, I told God to send Jesus on down here, because I want to see what He looks like!"

Sometimes as a mom you wonder if you are doing anything right, and is it really getting through? Then they say stuff like this. Oh yes, and last week I overheard Elyana telling Gavin the whole God message - how Jesus died for our sins because He loves us more then anything, and we can just ask Him into our heart, and then when we die we get to go to Heaven!

Life is like a box of chocolates... it sure is yummy!

2009-05-03T20:19:00.002-06:00

Been a long time since I rambled on about nothing on here. Reason being that there really isn't anything to say when you are pregnant and you don't want people to know yet as your life still revolves around being pregnant! Whew! made it to the 12 week mark without ONE trip to the ER or an emergency visit to the doctor. This is my 4th pregnancy and the 1st time that happened. Yaya! The 8th week was the hardest, I kept waking up at 3am scared to death I was going to loose the baby again.

This weekend was really hard as I was due on Friday with that one. Weird to think that there should be a baby screaming in the house and there is not. Also weird that there is no grave to visit. Nothing except a sonogram picture and dreams.

On a lighter note, our LILAC BUSH IS BLOOMING! Wow, the fragrance is just amazing and the bush is still quite small. It's right outside my master bath window, so instead of spraying terrible smelling room fragrance spray, I just open my window. Lovely!

Dave commented tonight that Gavin's life is like a pin ball machine. So very true! He is not ADD, however there is just so much to do and the day is just too short to do it all. Busy, busy, busy. He makes me laugh all day long, which is really bad sometimes as he will be naughty then just make me laugh to get out of being punished. Tonight I prayed over him as it was my turn to put him to bed. Asking God to help me teach him grace and God's gentle side as well. Gavin looked at me and just laughed! He's so cute though as he closes his eyes and says "Night night God. I wuv you."

Tonight for the first time in 10 weeks I enjoyed a cup of coffee. Got pregnant and so very sad I couldn't stand coffee! It's one of the loves of my life...

Life is so good. It's so full. Some things in our family right now are so sad, but yet it's just a part of the fullness. Watching God do things is very exciting!

God Caught the car...

2009-02-22T13:13:00.002-07:00

I'm always worried about what if someone hurts my kids, being overprotective about everything. Forgetting that I'm not really in charge in the first place. Friday I was on the way home from Junction. Pulled off on the side of a 4 lane highway because Gavin got himself covered with "sticky". Got him out of the carseat, washed his hands, put him back in the carseat, reached across to get him a toy... and the car started rolling down the hill. I grabbed the car with all my might, realizing quickly that it was going faster and I couldn't stop it. Let go, ran around Gavin's open door and jumped into the front passenger side (which was OPEN), thinking "How am I going to get my short leg across the car to reach the brake?!" and realized the gear shift was in DRIVE!! Quickly reached across and put it in park. I'm sure it was all of 5 seconds from start to finish, but it seemed like hours.

I just sat there shaking like a leaf over what could have happened. Elyana pipes up from the back. "Don't worry Mommy, God caught the car!"

Thank you God for watching my kids when I'm rediculously being an idiot.

FYI my leg is sooooo sore still. Not sure how much adrenaline I had to exert that much energy that my leg is so sore. Nonetheless I did learn:

1. Always check that your car is in park before you get out.
2. I am not strong enough to hold a car that starts rolling.
3. That's why God put's angels in charge, sometimes mommies need help!!

Daddy Date

2009-01-24T21:01:00.002-07:00

Tonight Dave took Elyana on a "date". She was SOO excited. They went to Sonic for a banana split. Supposedly the topic of conversation was why Jesus never has a crown on in any pictures and where poop comes from! Hey, these are important issues to a 4 year old! Meanwhile Gavin and I put together puzzles at home.

How?!?

2009-01-16T20:23:00.003-07:00

How do moms work and maintain a house at the same time? I came home from work totally exhausted tonight. There was enough time to heat up leftovers, give the kids a bath, read Bible Story, and go to bed. How do people do this 365??

Here we go a tax season again!

2009-01-12T21:35:00.002-07:00

Whew! Where did last year go? Very odd how time goes faster when you are older. I remember my Mom telling me that, and I thought she was lying. A year back then was soooo longgggg.

The hardest part of this time of the year is Gavin. He is old enough to know that Daddy isn't home as much as he used to be, but not old enough to understand. Right now he is very clingy (which is NOT his personality), and cries a lot.

It's exciting for me though. The couple months where I get to talk "adult", dress up, carry my red briefcase, and get paid for my "job". Every year my $$$ go towards something special and this year we are saving to buy a used mini van. It may take a couple of years, but here we go...

I also like tax season because it is very good for me to be reminded how the world needs God so badly. Some of my clients are so bewildered with life. They live day to day, paycheck to paycheck without any real goals. I get this rare glimpse into people's souls as they review the past year and how it affected their bank account. Money is NOT evil, however it brings out who you are like nothing else. It is so good for me to be reminded that I really do want to go back into missions, and anything I can do today to show someone a speck of what God is like is really all life is about.

Another friend of mine had a baby girl this weekend. So many friends with brand new baby girls. It kind of hurts. I'm so excited for her yet my heart is so devastated at the same time.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T20:27:00.002-07:00

Every year I have asked God for a Christmas gift. Something just between Him and I. Of course every year I try to give Him something back, but really that's a bit difficult. I'm a little smaller then He is. :)

This year my request has changed a couple of times. Originally I had asked Him to help me loose weight. Ha. What a lame request. Then I asked Him to please bless my business instead - again pretty lame. Then I asked Him to scrap all that and please bless us with a child. He did, and then she went to live with Him. I was pretty tempted at the time to call Him an "Indian Giver" (pardon my slang). Then I changed it all since really it wasn't Christmas yet, and asked Him for the hugest favor of ALL time. I won't share as it is too personal, but it was something I deemed "IMPOSSIBLE".

It is Christmas evening and He has very generously given me my "impossible" gift. I really do wish I could give Him a large thing back, but I guess He will just have to settle for just me this year.... AGAIN!

So very very very stunned, amazed, and grateful I am. Should have known better as He loves to knock my socks off.

OH, and tonight when we were saying bedtime prayers Elyana was all done, then said OH I forgot to say to God a question (statement). "And dear God, Merry Christmas!"

Merry Christmas God.

Snow

2008-12-17T20:52:00.003-07:00

When you are a kid snow means:

Something new to eat
Something to throw at your brother
A new toy
FUN, FUN outside
Whoever gets cold anyway?
Christmas!
Asking mom for carrots and finding rocks for a snowman's features
Everything looking all white and pretty

When you are a MOM snow means:

I have to drive in that? to where?
No, you cannot eat the snow off of our driveway
Bundling everyone up only to realize that Gavin has no snowboots, Elyana's snowboots are too small, noone has waterproof mittens, but hey, here we go
Going out to the front yard, then getting the idea to pull the sled out in the backyard so traipsing through the house to go out back
Realizing the dog is wayyy too excited out back, so moving the kids to the front yard again
No, you cannot eat dirty snow off of the tree
YES your snow angel is so beautiful!
Oops Gavin is crying - yes he is soaking wet and cold. We're going in!
Taking everyone's coats, mittens, hats, scarfs, snow pants, too small boots, shoes, and socks off. putting dry clothes on everyone.
Collapsing on the couch to then realize that the trips through the house earlier have left wet snowy water on your wood floor.

BUT it is so very beautiful and it's CHRISTMAS! (NO, you may not eat snow off of your wet coat!)

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-12T20:02:00.002-07:00

Here we are... two months later! Wow time flies.

Just put the children to bed. Gavin's music selection tonight is Kenny G Christmas classics. :) Elyana is trying to go to sleep after not liking supper so she didn't get anything else. Dave is watching some movie on his computer and giggling in the backround.

Life is bitter sweet for me tonight. Here I sit in my lovely Christmas decorated house with my family (who granted sometimes drive me nuts), while around the world many of my friends/family are without work, some don't have any family, and some are falling apart with or without telling people. Sometimes it makes you wonder what the heck is going on up there.

You ready for Christmas? I am sadly mostly done with my shopping. I do this every year - shop throughout the year then the Christmas season comes and I am done. However, it is Christmas so I want to go out and buy presents. Argh! Next year I vow to wait until December.

That's all folks. There really isn't anything new.

Thoughts

2008-10-08T20:27:00.003-06:00

Don't know what to say. My heart is still broken. It's been 12 days since my miscarriage. "Miscarriage" that's such a harsh word. Of course, the whole experience is harsh. If I would paint, the photo would be very red and black.

The question I hate the most right now is "How are you?" What do you say to that? Sometimes I don't know if the person who is asking knows what happened, or if they are just trying to be kind, or just maybe polite? I just want to yell as loud as you can "I JUST LOST MY BABY! HOW DO YOU THINK I AM??!?!"

Yet, the greatest thing is through the enormity of it all, the mind numbing swirl of facts and feelings; there is such a place of serenity and calmness right there in the very middle. God is good. Either you believe that or you don't. He is not good "some of the time", or "when it's convenient". He's either good or He is not. End of discussion. I believe He is good, and I believe He gives good things to His children. For some odd and very unexplainable reason this event was good.

However, the process is without a doubt the most physically painful and emotionally wracking experience I have ever lived through. It hurt worse then having a baby without pain medication at full term. It still hurts, I'm so very very sore.

But I have hope. When I cry there is still calmness in my heart. (And cry I do... lots and lots. I am just now starting to wear contacts again as before my eyes hurt too much)

"In every way we're troubled but not crushed, frustrated but not in despair... We know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus will also raise us with Jesus and present us to God together with you... That's why we are not discouraged. No, ...This light, temporary nature of our suffering is producing for us an everlasting, weight of glory, far beyond any comparison, Because we do not look for things that can be seen but for things that cannot be seen. For things that can be seen are temporary, but things that cannot be seen are eternal."

This is terribly morbid, but I wish someone would have told me to be prepared with supplies when I got pregnant. I had nothing on hand. After all, you would use the stuff after the baby is born. It's all so terrifying, quick, and painful.

I have named her "Amara". It's Greek for "unfading, eternal".

Some things I have learned through this:

Never, ever, ever, ever ask "How are you?" Unless maybe you are set down face to face with the person, 5 hours of time, and a box of Tissues.
Always call. My closest and dearest friends were on the phone that day. Most said not a word, they just sat on the phone and cried with me. A few just called to say they cared and then hung up. That's it. There are no words necessary, just "I love you, and I am here" is more then enough to say. If the hurting do not want to talk, they can always not answer. Even the caller ID showing the phone number is saying volumes.
Food is the language of the soul. I never knew why we have the tradition of sending meals, doing laundry, etc. when someone looses a loved one. I always thought, "well, they're not sick? why can't they cook?" For one thing, when your heart hurts the last thing you want to do is cook, clean, or do the laundry. However, little ones and your body still need to eat. WOW! Someone bringing supper made us feel so loved and protected like I could not have imagined.
Flowers, cards, notes... after a miscarriage that is a pro-life statement. If a child had lived and then died of course I would send something. After a miscarriage the simple act of sending flowers or a card is saying "I believe in life at conception. This was a life, and you have lost"
I love email, but there is something about a physical card in the mail that I never knew before. It's something to hold and put in a momento box at the end of the day. (or month, or year) It's a physical piece to pull out and weep over when you need a time to cry.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your notes, flowers, cards, phone calls, e-mails, prayers. It meant so much.

This is the day the Lord has made...

2008-09-27T20:56:00.002-06:00

You never know when you wake up what a day will hold. I have been pregnant for 9 weeks. On Thursday we had an ultrasound and saw the baby and her (I say "her" because that is what I felt it was) heartbeat. On Friday morning at 2am I woke up, started having pains, and 15 minutes later she was gone.

Noone tells you what to expect in a miscarriage. I had no idea it would be so physically painful. Maybe it's because your heart is hurting so badly at the same time. I also had no idea how MUCH blood is involved. You don't want to tell a pregnant woman to keep supplies on hand "just in case"...

We went to the hospital because I was bleeding so much. The doctor just kept saying "I'm so sorry". Thank you God for him.

Such a roller coaster of emotions. First of all your body hurts, it's just like having a baby except there is no baby there. Your heart hurts. Your hormones just go absolutely nuts. The worst part is that your spirit hurts.

All through this we had to explain to Elyana that our baby went to "Heaven". At first she was really upset. Then tonight she asked me how many sleeps until we get to go and play with her. She is pretty sure that God is going to give us another baby girl HERE. Then we would have two babies. One in Heaven, and one here. Oh I hope so...

And poor Gavin has no clue what is going on. He wants lots of "mommy" time, and mommy right now is so tired.

I know God is good. I know that many times you loose a child in pregnancy for a reason. There is no way that I would wish life here on a child that would just suffer. I would never wish life here on earth either for a child who would choose later to not follow God. God's ways are always best, and He is ALWAYS good. It's just so hard because now I wonder if I would loose the next one. I wonder what else He is going to take away. It's a very vulnerable spot to be in.

I am so thankful for Dave. I cannot thank him enough. He is taking care of me, taking care of the children, letting me cry, letting me talk, sharing my grief, crying with me. So many friends have written notes, and some have called. Bless those who have called. I never knew before what to do when someone lost a baby or otherwise grieved. You don't have to DO anything or SAY anything.

My cousin called today. The conversation lasted 2 minutes, however it impacted me for life. He's a pastor and could have said many "words". However he called just to say they love us and are sorry. That's it. That's so enough.

A family I didn't even know heard about it and stopped in with a meal. Dave's family is bringing food and helping so much. Today his parents came and just sat on the couch and played with the children.

That's the meaning of love. Just to be with someone who hurts. Take care of their physical needs and just "be".

We've Moved, We've Settled, We're Home...

2008-08-23T20:11:00.003-06:00

Finally the boxes are all unpacked and it is starting to feel like home. I'm so thankful that we get to live here. It's not huge, but yet not tiny. For Elyana's birthday we had 9 people here and we ALL got to sit at the table and not feel crowded!

Speaking of that, she is now four years old. Where does time go? And she's getting all these cute little tiny toys for gifts. I have to resist the impulse to say "You're going to loose that" or "don't put that in your mouth" because she won't. She's the most organized little grown up thing.

Tomorrow we go to a new church. Sigh. I hate starting new churches, but it is too far to go to our old one. Dave and I have compromised and we will go every-other Sunday. The inbetween Sundays we'll probably go up to Junction and hang out with his family. The fun part is his brother and his wife are going to do the same thing.

Monday Elyana starts Gymnastics. :)

Now that the dust has settled it's hitting me a little that I live in a town where I know just a few relatives and that's it. A little lonely...

HOWEVER there is a Target and an Applebees here...

BTW... My new business is online and I'm scared stiff that nothing will sell. The verse keeps going through my head something about we plant, but GOD makes the increase. I'm trying hard not to be nervous, and just have faith. For Bible Story in the evening with the kids we are currently reading through how Israel doubted God every other minute, and I don't want to be like that.

If you know anyone who is pregnant or just had a baby: www.mommaluv.com

Moving Saturday...

2008-08-06T20:04:00.003-06:00

Very sorry for the lack of communication, but things have been way too fast and furious. Should slow down soon. We are done working on the house (for now), and move Saturday. Our phone number will stay the same though.

Elyana's room is now pink on the top 2/3 and purple on the bottom. Soon we will get a chair rail put up. I ordered 6 butterflies of various sizes and colors to hang from the ceiling in one corner above her bed. :)

Our room is off white with one wall a dark dark burgandy. Our bathroom, living room, and hallway are off white as well. The kitchen and dining room are a very sunshiny pale yellow. Gavin's room I just washed down the walls, and it is staying white for now.

Today I mopped the hard wood floors and tile in the kitchen by hand. I changed my water three times!! Granted it's a very large area, but STILL! I don't believe the people that lived there cleaned very well. (They were old and sickly) We moved the fridge and stove out to paint behind them, and the floors underneath... PLEASE everyone do this earth a favor and clean behind your fridge and stove at least once every 5 years. gag.

Anyway, our house is now sparkly clean and freshly painted. :) We're very excited. Next Sunday we celebrate Elyana's 4th birthday and Dave's mom's birthday too. Elyana's birthday was the 1st, but we waited so we could celebrate in our new house! She has already gotten her boxes from Grandpa's and Uncle Jalon's. Very thrilled she was. She also got some money and bought some Calico Critter's (the mousy family and their bedroom set) with it. She wants to save her allowance to buy the house too. Yikes! That's a lot of saving.

Business going, bought a house, I'm tired...

2008-07-12T13:54:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I think I bite off more then I can chew. Then I'm so very driven that I can't stop until my stuff is done which results in crashing and burning like last night. Whew! HOWEVER! In the last month:

We sold our house
Bought a new house (Montrose here we come)
Started a business (www.mommaluv.com)
Babysat for my friend 1-2 days a week (I'm pretty sure that I don't want 4 children)
Broke the "p" key on my keyboard which makes it very hard to type
Went to a DTS reunion in Trinidad (that place never changes)
And this last week dealt with a very sick child (it turned out to be Roseolla which isn't serious and she is now pretty much better except covered with a rash)

Plus tried to keep up with the normal household duties, my very very crazy son, and being Hospitality co-ordinator for my MOPS group.

I'm tired...

Yay though that we found a house! I'm so excited as it has a huge back yard, a very nice kitchen, 10 foot ceilings, and space to actually have a dining room table that seats 8+. :) I'm trying to talk my family into coming to see me now.

And if anyone has extra cash I have a friend who is trying to adopt a baby. Who knew that having love in your hearts for the unwanted could be so expensive???

Check out my new business website. I'm pretty thrilled to have it going. www.mommaluv.com

Signed a contract on our house!

2008-06-19T20:24:00.002-06:00

I'm so excited!!! Today we got an offer on our house. Full asking price. What makes it even better is it's a family with two children. This is their first home, and they are so excited to get it! I am going to be a little sad leaving this home behind. Gavin was brought home from the hospital here, it holds so many memories. It is time though.

Now we need to start looking for another one.

Random, I talked to a friend of mine from Hillcrest this morning. Haven't talked to her for like 5 years?! but as soon as I answered the phone I knew it was her.

No News is Good News

2008-05-22T19:52:00.000-06:00

You're no news.

That's old news.

Old gnus is good gnus...

er...wildebeasts

When cares attack, and life seems black
How sweet it is to pot a yak.
Or puncture hares and grizzly bears,
And others I could mention.
But on my animals "Who's Who"
No name stands higher than the Gnu.
And each new gnu that comes in view
Receives my prompt attention.

When Afric's sun is sinking low
And there's a silence that is deep and solemn,
That is the time when good men and true
With view haloo pursue the gnu
(The safest spot to put your shot
Is through the spinal column)

Maybe there are answers...

2008-04-17T21:24:00.002-06:00

As hard as it is for me to wrap my stubborn, independent mind around... there is the fact that God lives in the eternal and we live in the now. God looks at what is best in the big picture, and we stumble around in our day-to-day notions of fairness. I do believe that sometimes God allows things for the only reason that without it people would not look to God for help. There is no reason to call the doctor if you are not sick. We all are terribly sick, but some of us don't know it. Without feeling the pain, we have no clue of the cancer eating away at our insides...

"The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. YET He does NOT leave the guilty unpunished."

"Then Job replied to the Lord: I know that you can do all things; no plan of your can be thwarted... surely I spoke of things I did not understand.... my ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

faith crisis....

2008-04-09T09:26:00.002-06:00

I haven't written in here in a while. There are so many thoughts in my head... Funny how a person can be so very busy, but yet their mind just won't stop. My huge question I am wresting with is how come God doesn't step in and DO SOMETHING!? It seems I am surrounded by people who hurt others and there is nothing being done. Is God just, or does he just turn a deaf ear? I long for justice. If God does nothing, then who is going to stand up for those who are hurt? The deep down question that it goes to is there are so many people who cry out for God to help, and it seems like He doesn't. So why should he help me? If God doesn't protect other children, then why should he protect mine? Then there is the issue of answered prayer. I have prayed for some things for years and years, and there is seemingly no answer.

Maybe I need to quit watching the news, that these are isolated cases that I am blowing up in my head. Yet I am surrounded by friends, family, and others in my life who have been so deeply hurt and nothing has been done. I really wonder what the point is of even asking.

I feel so guilty. My life is so good. I am married to a husband who really loves me, and only me (not 7 other wives). My children are healthy, I am healthy. We have a great house, and soon will have another one. I have a wonderful extended family... Why me? Why does it seem God favors some, and let's other children be so badly abused? Then I feel bad for wanting some of the small things (like friends here would be nice) when others are just crying out to God for the people in their lives to stop hitting them!

After laying awake most of the night, the verse did come to my mind: "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." He has promised that the wicked will be punished, but come on already. He has promised that all our prayers will be answered... but again WHEN!?

I'm just so very pissed.

It used to be the running joke with some people I knew that I got everything I asked for. If someone wanted something, they would ask me to pray for it! I know Job asked God some huge questions and God shot back, who are you to demand of me?! I am asking... I have huge questions and I would like some answers...

2 1/2 Weeks until listing day...

2008-03-28T07:19:00.003-06:00

Our "to-do" list is progressively getting shorter. Dave is working SO HARD. He works all day at the office, comes home and plays with the kids for an hour, then goes outside and works until dark.

We looked at property two days ago. Fell in love with a place 10 miles south of here. It's 5 acres, and is bordered on 2 sides by farmland. The back side has a 20 foot canyon with a creek at the bottom. There are views of the mountains on three sides. I'm scared to death my kids would find the canyon, but that it's a bit far back there. We've also looked at modular home plans. So exciting, the thought of getting something BRAND NEW!

Last night I made jambalaya for supper. Yumm! This week is the week of family favorites. Jambalaya, Mexican lasagna, bar-b-qued ribs... I'm a good cook, if I have to say so myself.

Question of the day, what do you do when you really like someone as a friend but can NOT stand their kid? Especially when that kid pushes and shoves and hits and is just downright mean to your children?

To do list...

2008-03-18T20:42:00.002-06:00

So we found out today that we need to list our house on April 15th. Does that date sound familiar to anyone?! That happens to be the DUE DATE OF TAX SEASON! Ahhh! However, you either make April 15th and get your house into the spring/summer catalogue, or you don't. Sooo... we have to...

Tear out and build a new front porch.
Install new front porch columns and side rails.
Replace the back door.
Scrape and repaint the exterior windows.
Put up a chain link fence across the back half of our yard (to pen in the dog)
Pack up all the extra stuff in our house to make it seem larger.
AND touch up paint anything that needs it in the interior of the house.

I'm slightly stressed. Just slightly as it is tax season still. Wow!

Elyana though declared the other day that we need to get a new house with a purple front door. She wants a purple bedroom with one wall painted hearts and one wall painted cars. Then she declared that we should have a yellow kitchen and a pink laundry room.

Spring...

2008-03-14T07:21:00.005-06:00

My children are seriously the happiest children in the world. This laughing face I see all day! :) Elyana usually greets me in the morning with "MOMMY it's a BRAND NEW DAY!" Which is why I love time change. For a couple blessed weeks they sleep in until 7:30 or maybe 8:00. wow... A few minutes to myself.

I should be exercising in the mornings, but I hate hate hate working out to a video. They are so incredibly boring. And then you have to take a shower and there are two little critters who really don't want you in the bathroom for that long. It's much easier to get up, get ready, start my day, then after lunch load them into a stroller and go for a long jaunt in the fresh air. Hey, with both of them and the stroller it's a combined weight of 70+lbs. That has to count for something right!? I must be as strong as an ox though as we walk every day for at least an hour and it doesn't do much of anything to the number on the scales.

One more month of tax season. Last night I planted 160 gladiolus bulbs, and 80 daffodils; today I have to finish with the 80 daffodil bulbs I have left. I am so ready for spring. Today I am wearing capris and a t-shirt, even though it's projected to be all of 39 degrees and raining today. Ha!

I bought a BOZ preschool activity book for Elyana. It has 25 lessons, each with 5 activities. We do "school" every morning now. She loves it! I'm pretty proud of her. She is three and already knows all her colors, shapes, most of her letters, numbers... We go back and forth wether to homeschool or send her to a Christian private school. The latter option is very expensive, but I think she would just love the whole "school" thing. I did. Either way this fall we are putting away tuition money every month so that if we do send her to school we can prepay the whole year. Yikes!

Gotta go get my coffee...

What now?

2008-02-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

Sad tonight as I have given my baby girl clothes to my sister-in-law. Another nail goes into the "we're not having more children" box. I really want more. But how the heck would I handle it? Sometimes I feel lost and totally at wit's end with the two I have... Even have a girl name picked out. :) My dream family is three, Dave's is two so we will probably go with two.

First peak of tax season is over. Whew! Maybe we can breath now for a bit until April hits. It was such a whirlwind. Gotta get the money while the gettin is good as we sure like to spend it the rest of the year.

God is good. Of this I know. But down the road drove a little white car with all my pink and purple baby clothes inside.